My Killer Question

The cost in my life of trying to honestly live to the standard of Matthew 5:48 ("Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.") has been huge. This seems one verse that takes apart the idea of inerrant scripture. I can no longer agree that this verse is reasonable. And the problem is I have to doubt the existance of God because my faith is still too foundational no matter how hard I struggle against it. I still have a lot of work to do. C'est la vie.

Trimming the Sails

On of my favourite verses is To Risk by William Arthur Ward. My close friends were given a photocopy when I came across it nearly three years ago. But it has taken me that long to understand the last line. D'oh. Homer Simpson moment.

To laugh is to risk appearing a fool,
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.
To reach out to another is to risk involvement,
To expose feelings is to risk exposing your true self.
To place your ideas and dreams before a crowd is to risk their loss.
To love is to risk not being loved in return,
To live is to risk dying,
To hope is to risk despair,
To try is to risk failure.
But risks must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.
The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, is nothing.
He may avoid suffering and sorrow,
But he cannot learn, feel, change, grow or live.
Chained by his servitude he is a slave who has forfeited all freedom.
Only a person who risks is free.
The pessimist complains about the wind;
The optimist expects it to change;
And the realist adjusts the sails.

Culture of unawareness

Sometimes, and far too frequently if truth be told, I can make a mistake due to a generalised lack of awareness. I am working on affirmations and releases for myself to work on this and it's kinda fun moving on. The greater my awareness the more alive I feel.

Sometimes I wonder though if it's just me or if Christianity encourages a culture of unawareness. It feels like preachers demand of the flock to kiss their brains goodbye in order to subsribe to a particular interpretation of the Story. Personally I believe that the Story can allow several life strategies and if the church oversubscribes to one then it is in danger of being like the empereor who's doesn't have the new clothes.

Of course this could be me projecting my own frustration at my own lack of awareness onto the church but I'm sure that isn't the whole of it. I'll be dialoging with friend over the next while to get some more perspective. In the meantime perplexed.

Projection of Solutions

A week or so ago I had an terrible realisation that my life was driven by the need to please people. Intuitively I guess approximately 95% of my thoughts are influenced and the prevelence disturbs me.

Presently I am clawing my way up the health levels for a type three on the Enneagram. Currently much of my behaviour is somewhere between levels 3 and 2 and my soul is reaching out for authenticity. I suspect the two things are related.

One area I need to change is my ability to offer solutions to other people without much regard for their actual need. If it kinda fits blurt it. Like feeding pearls to pigs - thanks to Dallas Willard for explaining his perspective on it.

I wonder if actually I am so focussed on other people that I take what my own life needs so much and give it to others maybe expecting them to do the same in return. It seems crazy to expect us to look out for each other in that way. Surely we can bear one anothers burdens but to be responsible for each others growth? No-one else, not even my therapist, has that ammount of internal information about me and I certainly don't have that sort of information on anyone else.

Is it just me or is it possible that my experience of church culture fostered this projection of solutions?

Spheres of Influence

The arrogance of yesterday's post struck me. I had originally wanted to include a dilbert cartoon but didn't figure how to upload and link it. So the post was a touch inaccessable and I felt I was being arrogant.

As I was trying to figure out how to backtrack, my mind wandered and I came to the conclusion that living life well is probably much more difficult than solving the most complex of mathematical equations that I could encounter professionally.

As an example my heart resonated with Prodigal Kiwi's recent post NEW SCIENCE, NEW URBANISM, NEW ARCHITECTURE, SPIRITUALITY? A day later I wonder if the author's life is as artistic as the dream he portrays.

I may never know the about that author but I do know for myself that I can create a beautiful life first and see how big I can make it. I can't do anything else but I so want to.

I want the significance of being a Voice. But this is just one man's trail at the moment. Maybe it will become the trail of two, than maybe a family, then add some friends, and who knows one days I'll be a great influence like Budda, Christ or Mohammed changing the lives of countless millions. Dreams. Need for significance.

Maybe one day but in all likelihood not. In the meantime I will work on my own issues, the first on my list today is a fear of being truely honest and open...

Who's bitch am I?

Christ's bitch?

Before the fact?

"... remember to bring your awareness, as fully as possible, to the following patterns:... Over-interpreting your experience ..."

My sleepy head and half open eyes nearly digested that when I arrive on the desk this morning. The laughter of brokers squawking over the box did I have to confess interupt me from giving that thought the attention it so deserved. The quiet buzz of the trading floor gradually permeates me and the double dose of condensed caffine that a close friend refers to as the evil liquid, stires me to consider. In this half awake half asleep state I find I can connect with some of the depths of my soul, like looking through the surounding rain forest into a deep mountain pool filled by tumbling cascading waterfalls.

Hmmm. I like John Franke's thought that theology is a reflective or second order activity and I consider do I too over interpret my experience? I wonder if I theologise before I experience or after, if I try and conform my world to my God-Theories or if I allow God to emerge from the daily experience of his creation.

Gospels

The other day I swore to myself that I would stop ending up in conversations that feel like endless circles. If I didn't learn so much from these people who disagree with me I'd kick the habit. Honest.

It frustates the heck out of me that few people can describe why their Gospel is good news. I am left with the feeling that maybe somewhere there is an authentic message but as sure as hell it's not right there in that particular dialog. So I started writing down some of the Gospels that I could talk about and I'm quite excited about them - maybe the feeling will wear thin, but it's a start. ;o).

So the missing books of the bible according to DangerMouse include:

The Gospel of Responsibility - the good news is if I take responsibility then my life improves
The Gospel of Awareness - the more I am aware of the more I can take responsibility for in my life
The Gospel of Releasing - the drug of choice, emotional release is the beginning of true spirituality
The Gospel of Internal Authority - as I choose what is right and wrong, my fears melt
The Gospel of Acceptance - resting in God's order is the essence of peace and happiness
The Gospel of Faith - God says it'll be alright in the end so I'll live my life in courageous belief - that stance was good enough for God to call Abraham righteous so I'll hope to acheive the same
The Gospel of Being - a long term favourite - Psalm 139 rocks - God created me and my job is to be what he created not what everyone else wants me to be

Unfortunately the Gospel of Escape from Metaphysical Eternal Punishment just doesn't entice my postmodern mind anymore but I'm happy to feed my addiction of cyclic conversation if anyone wants to tell me otherwise - for a while anyway. Each to his own I guess.

Gospel of the Wasteland

Thanks to a good therapist, the Sedona Method (www.sedona.com) but principally a loving girlfriend I am presently becoming aware of my arrogance. Defined by but not limited to: Above Reproach, Aloof, Arrogant, Bigoted, Boastful, Bored, Clever, Closed, Complacent, Conceited, Contemptuous, Cool, Critical, Disdain, Dogmatic, False Dignitity, False Humility, False Virtue, Gloating, Haughty, Holier than thou, Hypocritical, Icy, Isolated, Judgemental, Know-it-all, Narrow-minded, Never wrong, Opinionated, Overbearing, Patronizing, Pious, Prejudiced, Presumptuous, Righteous, Rigid, Self-absorbed, Self-satisfied, Selfish, Smug, Snobbish, Special, Spoiled, Stoic, Stubborn, Stuck-up, Superior, Uncompromising, Unfeeling, Unforgiving, Unyielding, Vain. Phew!!! ;o).

Painful but full of hope.

The Wasteland... is any world in which... force not love, indoctrination, not education, authority, not experience, prevail in the ordering of lives, and where myths and rites enforced and received are consequently unrelated to the actual inward realizations, needs, and potentialities of those upon whom they are impressed. -- Joseph Campbell, The Masks of God: Creative Mythology

I’d always likened it to institutional issues – the theology of church, education policies etc. – but isn’t it possible for it to have a more personal meaning? While I push the issue onto the institutional I keep it away from the spheres of my own responsibility but as I allow myself to see myself as arrogant I can see how I’ve banished my Important Others into my wasteland at various times over various issues. I’ve been so defended that I have slipped into an unyielding and uncompromising arrogance.

But herein lies the Gospel of the Wasteland. Instead of forcing, I can allow love and weakness to prevail, instead of demanding and trying to indoctrinate I can openly share my perspective to educate and instead of demanding conformance of behaviour to my authority I can allow the Other to experience who I am resulting in the shared life of the Us being ordered according to the needs of the Me, the You and the Us.

Deconstructing purpose

Deconstruction is prevelent. I've spent the last three or four years taking apart the whole of my soul - pretty much. People talk about it, though sometimes from the lightness of their conversation you have to wonder how deep it went.

But now I'm starting to enjoy some of its fruits. I realised the other day that I did actually have to deconstruct my whole purpose in life in order to find it. I think someone else said that didn't they? The thing that feels more ironic is that church keeps telling my what my life should be about!!! Isn't that the exact opposite that what the master said?

Fear of hell

The other day on the way to work I was realising that my life had been driven by a fear of a metaphysic hell. As I walked along I found myself reasoning, if God is the loving God who she claims to be then I don't need to worry about it as she is gracious and kind and if she is an evil control freek then I'm stuffed anyway so there is no point in worrying about it.

So a couple of months ago I stopped worrying about it.

Life's a lot more fun now.