Packing my bags

I am stressed because I don’t know how to cook but I know that nutrition is important. I feel much the same way as I did when I was getting stressed out about packing for holiday.

I don’t know how to keep the house clean but I like a clean house. I don’t know how to keep on top of my filing but I like a tidy house. I struggle to keep the garden.

The worse thing is that I hide in books, in internet browsing, in distractions to keep me for experiencing the pain of not being who I want to be or maybe rather not doing what I want to do or maybe not achieving what I want to achieve.

This feels like a feeling that I have been labelling as sin. But actually it isn’t sin. It is lack of learning. Like many men I’ve just gone from one caregiver to another and never learnt to practically stand on my own two feet. The last three years instead of learning how to do so I have flitted from one thing to another in search of peace.

However peace is totally free and easily accessible, so what I need to do is to face the things I am running away from. And change them. It’s not even like they are all that hard. Many people on this planet have learned to cook, to clean, to file, to cut grass even as I learned to pack a back for holidays.

On Holiday

*grin* writing from Equador... see you in a couple of weeks... adios my friends... DM

Sheep being led astray?

Aggghhhhh. This is so frustrating and at this point in time I'm not diagnosing any responsibility. I realise that I am so used to someone telling me what to do that I find it very uncomfortable and distressing to not have someone directing my every move. I am reminded of things like "You'd better watch out that the devil doesn't lead you astray" and "you can't trust your feelings" and the idea that something I think might be corrupt so I'd better submit it to others first, however I don't think church is the only instigator of this in my life.

The result is a very capable robot who finds it emotionally taxing to organise the little things in life like what to have for breakfast, what to pack for holiday, what to spend money on, and how to file the post.

I am so dependent on others it is scary. I am so incapacitated it is awful to behold.

Oh well. C'est la vie.

Unsatisfactory

There is something wrong that I haven't quite put my finger on. I feel confused. That makes me happy as confusion is the feeling you feel just before you're about to learn something. I guess it's the state of flux that you feel in between states of certainty. The point where one neural pattern is broken and the replacement isn't formed. The point of transition between conscious incompetence to conscious competence.

For me the issue is behaviour. And how I choose to behave. The way I grew up was supposedly "Christian" but has many weaknesses in it and as I honestly review it in my mind is not how God wants me to live. The establishment though is fearful of my exploring. It is threatening to them. And in my neural pathways I have become accustomed to associating pleasing the establishment with pleasing God and I am discovering they are not the same thing.

So the issue of how I behave is manifesting as the question "What is sin?" I am totally convinced that much of what Jesus had to say to the Pharisees he would say to 95% of the church folks today. I really believed that *they* were walking the pathway to righteousness and were reliable guides. But I am realising that *they* were not the good parents *they* claimed to be. So I guess I'm grieving the loss of relationship that is supposed to be but isn't. Now *they* will answer this with phrases like don't look at the church look at Jesus, and isn't it better to be hypocritical with standards than with no standards, but personally I think that is a cop out.

I am fed up with it all. I am fed up with the lack of honesty. I am fed up with voices whining about the whiners. So I give up. I yield. I accept. I let go of the church's standard of behaviour. And I know I don't have an answer. But I'm no longer going to try to make things work. My walk with God has to be a two way street. My relationship with others has to work both ways. No relationship is better than a toxic relationship. We're through. I know in *their* eyes I'm in the wrong but *they* allow my no voice. *They* are so committed to *their* way and there is no flexibility. The thing that annoys me the most is the telling of half truths and maybe outright lies in order to seduce me and my influence into *their* fold. The whole lot is corrupt. The whole premise behind much theologising and ecclesiology is a belief in uniformity. Unfortunately some of us are more uniform than others.

To the *they*. Good luck with your project to transform all of mankind into yourself. I wish you well.

Three things I need from relationship with you

We all make mistakes. From time to time.

In relationship with you I need to know that when you make a mistake that hurts me that you are aware of what you have done and why it's caused me pain. Most people call this appologising.

I also need to know that when I make a mistake that hurts you that you know that I am aware of your pain and what I have done to you to cause you that pain. Most people call this forgiveness.

Finally I need to know that you aren't into giving and receiving pain, and that any pain I am causing you isn't intentional and that any pain you are causing me is also not intentional. Most people call this love.

What is sin?

I'm asking as I've never heard anyone define it thoroughly to my satisfaction and I'd like to understand what Christian folks really mean by it.

My current defining is that "sin" it is a nebulous catch all that is used when people haven't a clue what they are talking about.

Anyone care to add?