Unsatisfactory

There is something wrong that I haven't quite put my finger on. I feel confused. That makes me happy as confusion is the feeling you feel just before you're about to learn something. I guess it's the state of flux that you feel in between states of certainty. The point where one neural pattern is broken and the replacement isn't formed. The point of transition between conscious incompetence to conscious competence.

For me the issue is behaviour. And how I choose to behave. The way I grew up was supposedly "Christian" but has many weaknesses in it and as I honestly review it in my mind is not how God wants me to live. The establishment though is fearful of my exploring. It is threatening to them. And in my neural pathways I have become accustomed to associating pleasing the establishment with pleasing God and I am discovering they are not the same thing.

So the issue of how I behave is manifesting as the question "What is sin?" I am totally convinced that much of what Jesus had to say to the Pharisees he would say to 95% of the church folks today. I really believed that *they* were walking the pathway to righteousness and were reliable guides. But I am realising that *they* were not the good parents *they* claimed to be. So I guess I'm grieving the loss of relationship that is supposed to be but isn't. Now *they* will answer this with phrases like don't look at the church look at Jesus, and isn't it better to be hypocritical with standards than with no standards, but personally I think that is a cop out.

I am fed up with it all. I am fed up with the lack of honesty. I am fed up with voices whining about the whiners. So I give up. I yield. I accept. I let go of the church's standard of behaviour. And I know I don't have an answer. But I'm no longer going to try to make things work. My walk with God has to be a two way street. My relationship with others has to work both ways. No relationship is better than a toxic relationship. We're through. I know in *their* eyes I'm in the wrong but *they* allow my no voice. *They* are so committed to *their* way and there is no flexibility. The thing that annoys me the most is the telling of half truths and maybe outright lies in order to seduce me and my influence into *their* fold. The whole lot is corrupt. The whole premise behind much theologising and ecclesiology is a belief in uniformity. Unfortunately some of us are more uniform than others.

To the *they*. Good luck with your project to transform all of mankind into yourself. I wish you well.